Provided by "Mad About Marriage Ministry"
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October 26, 2024
Date your spouse
When was the last time you took your spouse out on a date? I know it can be challenging to find time, a sitter, the energy… but TRUST me, it’s worth it! It's a great way to add a little spark to the marriage.
Every couple should strive to go out on a date and spend time alone at least once a week. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy; it just has to be something the two of you enjoy. Keep in mind that time spent with your spouse in the presence of family and friends does not count.
Ways to Spend Quality Time with Your Spouse
- Wake up an hour earlier. Couples that work late often do not have time for evening dates. If you are one of these couples, try waking up an hour earlier and enjoying a cup of coffee together. This can become your romantic ritual.
- Have a date night. Most marriage tips will tell you that date nights are the easiest way to spend time together as a couple. Unfortunately, date nights aren’t always practical, especially for couples with young kids. Babysitters are expensive. One way around this is to find another couple that also has young kids and suggest an arrangement where they babysit your kids when you go out on a date and you do the same for them. It’s a win-win situation.
- Have a date night at home. Finding someone, even another couple, to babysit isn’t easy, especially for couples with very young kids. However, it is still possible to have a wonderful date night at home. Just make sure the kids have an early dinner and then let them watch TV for the rest of the evening. Explain to them that you need some peace and quiet and would really appreciate it if they could keep it down.
- Take turns planning dates. If the responsibility of planning dates falls on one person, it can begin to feel like a chore. Therefore, couples should take turns planning dates. This way, the responsibility is shared equally and the person who is not planning the date has something to look forward to.
- Try new things together. If the date nights start to get a bit boring, try taking up new activities together. Be creative and step out of your comfort zone. For instance, you can take tennis lessons together, go kayaking, or try scuba diving! Nothing brings a couple together like a shared experience.
No matter where you get your marriage advice and tips, there will always be something about spending quality time together. It’s a ‘sure-fire’ way to keep the fire burning in a relationship. See what I did there?
Now -- Go out there you kids, and have some fun together!
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
October 19, 2024
THE EFFECTS ARE SERIOUS
Ok… today is not a popular topic. Even so, it is an important one.
Despite the claims of some that pornography can be a helpful marital aid, many researchers assert that the effects of pornography actually serve to decrease marital satisfaction.
In fact, due to the negative effects of pornography, couples who use it (compared to those who don't) actually have less frequent sex and less satisfying sex.
Porn users are shown to have more frequent bouts of depression. Wives whose husbands use pornography report having feelings of frustration, worthlessness, and inadequacy. Married men who use pornography often attempt to bring the activities they have discovered in the material that they are viewing into their marriage. If their spouse resists, these men tend to withdraw and escape even more into pornography, further ignoring the relationship issues that desperately need their attention. So the effects of pornography result in a gradual erosion of the marriage relationship.
The effects of pornography often involve addictive behavior where the spouse is driven to spend countless hours consuming pornography -- time that could be used to strengthen and deepen family relationships.
So the attention-starved spouse and children will often seek other ways of filling the void that daddy's or mommy's absence creates.
But there's an even more sinister danger regarding the effects of pornography that is rarely mentioned.
Often, a child's first exposure to pornography is when he or she stumbles across a secret stash at home or at a friend's house. And since most adult consumers of pornography report that their first exposure came when they found their father’s pornography, one of the effects of pornography is that users might be unwittingly placing their children at risk.
The bottom line is that the effects of pornography have a detrimental influence on the marriage and family.
If you or your spouse is using pornography, then here are a few suggestions to help you deal with the damaging effects of pornography within your marriage:
First, address the issue with your spouse. Don’t do this in an angry or confrontational manner but with love and tenderness.
If you are unable to control your emotions in a face-to-face conversation, try writing a letter in which you address the issues and effects of pornography as you see them.
But before you give the letter to your spouse, read and re-read it several times in order to edit out any anger or bitterness. Love motivates while anger isolates.
If your spouse fails to address the effects of pornography or refuses to make changes, then it may be time to seek outside assistance. You may choose to talk to a counselor or a member of the clergy, or join a support group. Seek their advice on how to deal with the effects of pornography on your marriage and follow it.
Keep in mind that positive action has a greater potential for a positive outcome.
Truth is, the effects of pornography is a growing problem within marriages today because it has become increasingly more acceptable within mainstream media by in large.
The problem won't go away by itself. Positive action must be taken.
But the good news is that you don’t have to do this alone. Help is available.
You and your family deserve to have a marriage that is free from the detrimental effects of pornography.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
October 12, 2024
TRUE COMMITMENT
What does the notion of “commitment” mean to you?
Within the context of marriage, commitment is about unity, faithfulness, monogamy, friendship, affection, love, respect, and many other beautiful attributes that are absolutely priceless.
But for some reason, in our world today, it doesn’t mean what it used to.
Consider this:
How many television shows and movies have you seen where the sanctity of marriage is upheld and supported?
Think about it for a minute.
The influence of the entertainment industry bombards us with storylines where affairs, lying, emotional cruelty, and sex outside of marriage are commonplace.
The mindset seems to be that since we’re flawed we’re going to mess things up and disappoint the ones we love – especially our spouse.
So some people reach a point where it’s not only okay to be unfaithful and sleep around, it’s to be expected!
Now I realize that not everyone operates within their relationship with this mindset.
But how many couples seem to treat each other as if commitment is just a mere word? The deepness of its meaning is overlooked or taken for granted. And marriage becomes superficial and shallow, and trust is sacrificed.
However, there are still many marriages that demonstrate the true meaning of commitment. I bet you can think of some right now. They are shining examples of what it means to be committed to our spouse and marriage.
For instance, one couple believes that being best friends before marriage helped them to learn how to take care of each other’s needs — and that their friendship is the basis of their commitment and trust.
Or take the husband who values his relationship with his wife and kids so much that he would never dream of an affair for fear of hurting and losing them. Or the wife who claims that her relationship with God is an essential factor in avoiding temptation.
Many people have commitment phobia and are afraid of settling down and dedicating themselves to one partner for life.
They’re uncertain the relationship will last.
They wonder if the one they love might up and leave one day.
But deep within their hearts, if they are honest with themselves, they are hopeful and have a deep desire to find someone who will be faithful to them and who won’t take commitment for granted.
Commitment matters.
It means something.
It means that you made a decision to work through the hard stuff and that you are not going anywhere.
It means that you can be counted on.
It means that you will do whatever it takes to maintain a strong relationship and a happy marriage.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
October 5, 2024
FORGIVENESS AND MARRIAGE
Forgiveness can rescue and save a marriage from being torn apart by anger, and it has the power to restore peace and happiness.
This email is a little long today, but the value of forgiveness is worth taking the time to define it properly.
First, let me share a case study of a wife we will call Amanda. Amanda had been with her partner for 12 years.
Recently, her husband did not come home one evening. She later learned that he had spent the night with a former partner. Though he pleaded for her to forgive him, Amanda couldn’t bring herself to do it because she felt so angry. Just the idea of forgiving him made her feel like a fool. And although she chose not to end the marriage, she continues to struggle with anger issues.
What do you think? Should Amanda forgive her cheating spouse? Only she can make that decision of course.
Only a few marriages survive infidelity but it is possible. In fact, some marriages have been known to grow stronger after an affair.
There are several misconceptions about forgiveness that Amanda, and others like her, should know that can help with any anger issues.
Misconception #1: When you forgive, you should forget about what happened. This isn’t true at all. Just because you forgive your cheating spouse doesn’t mean you should forget about it.
If you can remember the particular experience without feeling the pain, then you have truly forgiven your spouse.
Misconception #2: Forgiveness equals approval.
Contrary to this opinion, you can forgive a cheating spouse without approving of their actions.
Even though you forgive them, the cheating spouse needs to acknowledge that his or her actions were unjust, unfair, and unacceptable. Let them know that they violated your trust but that you are choosing to forgive them.
Misconception #3: Forgiving someone requires you to tell them that you forgave them.
You don't have to tell your spouse that you forgave them -- just forgive them. The truth is, it is enough for you to forgive without actually telling them that you have forgiven them. Forgiveness is a process that takes time.
Misconception #4: Forgiveness = immediate trust.
Choosing to forgive someone, and then choosing to trust them again, are two separate issues and should be treated as such.
Even after you have forgiven your spouse, rebuilding trust takes time. In fact, only a person of questionable mental health would trust his or her partner immediately after their trust has been violated.
It might also make the offending party feel that he or she has permission to continue being unfaithful. The message needs to be clear that the cheating spouse must earn back their partner’s trust through consistent and faithful behavior.
Misconception #5: Forgiveness automatically creates good feelings towards your spouse.
Just because you have chosen to forgive them does not mean that you will be emotionally prepared to immediately feel love for them. At this point, being neutral is good enough.
Misconception # 6: Forgiveness is instant.
This isn’t entirely true. Complete forgiveness may take time. However, if you really want to enjoy a happy marriage once again, then you must learn and offer true forgiveness.
Consider your marriage today and how forgiveness plays a crucial role. Are there areas where forgiveness will help you release resentment and foster deeper trust and understanding in your relationship?
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 28, 2024
SIX STEPS
Having a happy marriage really isn’t as obvious as some people might think. When you are on the inside of a long-term relationship, it’s not always easy to see the big picture. Hopefully, these six tips will help you to have and enjoy a happy marriage.
Communication
The importance of effective communication for a happy marriage cannot be stressed strongly enough.
(Quarreling and arguing is by no means considered effective communication 
)
Marriage counselors advocate active dialogue, talking over your day, self-assessment, problem identification and exploring possible and practical ways of addressing them. Direct communication is one of the secrets to a happy marriage.
Admit Your Mistakes
Unfortunately, many couples having problems in marriage have a hard time admitting to each other that all is not well. For you to have a happy marriage, you need to be true to yourself, your partner and your marriage.
If you can identify what you are doing wrong early enough in the process, then you might not need marriage counseling. When a problem arises, talk to your partner about it and solve it as soon as possible to have a happy marriage.
Realize That The Honeymoon Stage will Pass
There is a big difference between falling in love and maintaining a healthy and happy marriage. In the honeymoon stage of the marriage, sexual attraction is very strong, and both parties often feel euphoric. Most couples usually assume that their relationship will work itself out over time as long as they are in love. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
In marriage, couples encounter situations that they have never encountered before. Naturally, both individuals will react differently to these situations which could be the source of conflict. Once the honeymoon stage has passed you will have to work together towards staying in love and having a happy marriage.
What Goes Around Comes Around
In marriage, just like any other part of life, you get what you give. If you are willing to do everything you can to have a happy marriage, within no time your partner will reciprocate. Ensure that your partner knows how you feel about him or her and make efforts to make them happy.
Mend Your Relationship, Not Your Partner
Mending a marriage doesn’t mean mending your partner. Most marriage counselors will say that you cannot have a marriage by modifying your spouse’s behavior. Do not attempt to change your spouse’s behavior for your own happiness. Thinking that you can change your spouse or, worse yet, “train” them, is a breeding ground for conflict.
Counseling
As soon as you begin having serious marriage problems, seek marital counseling in an attempt have a happy marriage. Do not wait until it’s too late. Some marriage problems that signal the need for marital counseling include: communication breakdown, lack of sexual intimacy, and frequent arguments and violence, to only name a few.
Unless there have been incidents of violence in the marriage, it is better to seek couples counseling as opposed to individual counseling. This way you can deal with your marital problems under the watchful eye of a professional marriage counselor.
Most marriage professionals say that the ultimate secret to a happy marriage is commitment. I agree. I believe that as long as you both are committed to having a happy marriage you will succeed as long as you are willing to invest the time, energy and effort it takes to make your dream marriage come true.
Begin transforming the emotional environment of your relationship with loving hugs.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 21, 2024
FOUR MINUTES and 45 SECONDS
I’ve got something for you to test out this week. It’s going to require a whole 4 minutes and 45 seconds every day. Can you handle it?
It’s called “The Power-Love Formula”. It is a four-step method to improve connection and communication in your marriage. Here are the steps:
- Fix your partner firmly in your heart at four crucial times during the day. Come up with a brief gesture (a sincere one) that acknowledges your partner’s significance. This could be a gentle squeeze of their hand, a kiss, a touch on the arm…. Repeat it four crucial times during the day (it could be…when you first wake up, when you leave for work, when you return from work, right before you go to sleep).
- Hug your partner six times for six seconds. Hugs can be one of the first things to disappear when resentment builds in a relationship. Hugs also increase your “happy hormone” serotonin and oxytocin.
- Hold positive thoughts about your relationship. Make a list of some of your partner’s positive traits. At some time during each day, spend 10 seconds focused on these positives.
- Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity. Write a contract with yourself stating: “This is how I will show my love for my partner every day.” Do it at an agreed-upon time everyday. Some ideas for the contract: Complete this sentence “If I loved him/her, I would…”
It doesn’t take much time to show love to your spouse, but our daily “grind” can allow us to be less connected and at odds with each other. An intentional approach, even just 4 ¾ minutes could make all the difference.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 14, 2024
LET THE HUGS BEGIN
Have you ever noticed how a tender, loving hug from your partner makes you feel better and sets you aglow?
In a healthy relationship, a hug makes you feel appreciated, accepted, and desired.
How do you feel when your partner doesn’t engage you with loving touch? Not so good. Sort of makes you wonder if there’s something wrong with you or the relationship. Doubt creeps in. And the relationship starts getting colder.
Hugs have a way of calming you. They can shift your whole outlook and make everything feel all right. It turns out there’s some science behind hugs and why they make us feel better.
Researchers have measured the calm-inducing, stress-reducing effects of hugs on the heart and brain; these effects kick-in around the twenty-second mark.
But that’s not all. Hugs and touch also trigger the release of oxytocin, known as the feel-good hormone. Hugs have the power to shift your whole outlook and mood.
Start to hug your significant other more often. Make the hug count by making it last. Don’t give them one of those quick “drive-by” hugs or a "side hug" as you race out the door. Hug them and savor the moment; make it last by holding the hug for at least six seconds. Or go for 20. Trust me… 20 seconds will change your life!
Here’s a challenge for your consideration: Give your significant other a warm 20-second hug sometime in the next day or two. Choose a good time – a time when they’re not rushed or distracted. Be confident and act as if you enjoy it. And for bonus points, tell them you love and appreciate them.
Begin transforming the emotional environment of your relationship with loving hugs.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 7, 2024
MIND-READING IN MARRIAGE
Do you have a little mind-reading going on in your marriage? I bet you do. Is it negative or positive? So, what is it?
Mind-reading (the harmful kind) occurs when one party interprets something that was said more negatively than their spouse intended. In one sense, the person who interprets things negatively is attempting to read their mate’s mind. It is as though they’re thinking, I know you’re saying one thing, but I believe you actually mean something else.
Consider Larry and Nancy. Larry offers to help with the upcoming Thanksgiving meal by making the yams. A light goes off in Nancy’s head and she believes Larry must not like HER candied yams… and the argument begins. Larry doesn’t even know why they are fighting!
What could Larry have done to have brought about a different outcome?
Actually, there was nothing Larry could have done. The only person who can correct negative interpretations is the person who interprets negatively. Instead of negative mind-reading (You may say this, but what you really mean is . . .), they must choose to engage in positive mind-reading.
Negative mind-reading typically happens when a person feels insecure or has a learned lack of trust from previous unhealthy relationships. Multiple hurts of the past can discolor and warp our marriage relationships very easily.
So here’s a suggestion. First, both of you need to make a foundational commitment to each other: “I will never intentionally hurt you”. This is an important promise to make, but one that can be relationship-altering. Say this to each other. Mean it. Live it.
Then, make it a mantra for your marriage: My spouse would never intentionally harm me.
Maintaining this assumption may not sound like much of a solution to you, but believe me, it works! Here’s how: it frees you to interpret what your spouse says and does more positively than you otherwise might.
And when your spouse says or does something you don’t understand, do not assume it was meant to harm. Assume the pain was inadvertent. Go to them, let them know that it must have been a mistake, but help them understand why you felt hurt so they can avoid doing it again.
This understanding of never intentionally harming each other frees us from trying to read something sinister into one another’s words or actions, and it serves as an effective cure for negative interpretations.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
