Aiea Seventh-day Adventist Church

Provided by "Mad About Marriage Ministry"

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December 28, 2024

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2025

What direction is your marriage headed?

 

If nothing changes, where will you be this time next year?

 

Many couples struggle because they wait too long to seek help. Feelings of hurt and resentment can pile up, making things worse.

 

To help you reflect and improve your relationship as the year wraps up, here are six questions to consider:

 

1. Do I Ever Feel Like Life Would Be Better Without My Spouse?

It's normal to have this thought occasionally, but if it’s happening a LOT, it’s a sign something needs attention. If you feel stuck and trapped in your situation, then please find a marriage counselor because ignoring these feelings only makes your marriage worse.

 

2. Do I Feel That There Is More Bad Than Good in My Marriage?

Your marriage will not get better on its own. So unless you do something about it, expect more of the same. And is that what you really want?

 

3. Do I Rarely Have Things to Say?

Healthy communication is key. If you and your partner aren’t talking much, it could mean you don’t feel safe opening up. 

 

4. Do We Fight Over the Same Things All the Time?

If you’re stuck in a cycle of the same arguments, it’s a sign your relationship may be stagnating. Do you really want to be in this place a year from now? Make the choice to change it!

 

5. Have I Given Up Trying to "Fix" This Relationship?

It can be tough when one partner feels like they’re doing all the work. If you’ve checked out, it can create distance. Remember, most marriages have potential—don’t give up just yet!

 

6. How Intimate Are We?

Intimacy goes beyond physical connection; emotional closeness matters too. If you’re feeling disconnected, consider reaching out to a trusted marriage counselor for support.

 

As we approach the end of 2024, take some time to reflect on these questions. If your marriage feels off course, decide now to get back on track - you have that kind of power!

 

You can create a healthier, happier relationship in the coming year.

 

Cheers to you and yours as you focus on making your marriage healthier than ever!

 

Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!

 

 

 

December 21, 2024

THE BEST GIFT OF ALL

If you want something extra special to give your spouse, I have a suggestion or two.

 

These aren't your typical gifts - things you wrap. Nope. These are much better.

 

These seven gifts can save your marriage from divorce, fill your relationship with peace and joy, and have you celebrating love for the rest of your life.  Here they are:

 

1. Give Your Spouse The Gift Of A New Attitude (You Not Them)

What kind of attitude do you have?

Are you pessimistic or optimistic?

Do you look for the worst or the best in your spouse?

Do you find fault or give encouragement?

 

I'd say that one of the very best gifts you can give to your spouse this Christmas is a new attitude. This alone has the power to usher in a new era - a new stage - in your marriage.

 

So instead of being negative, critical, and selfish, be optimistic, encouraging and supportive, and generous!

 

Don't know where to start? Then do this: start smiling at your spouse more often, and tell them what you appreciate about them. Do this and I think you'll have a pretty amazing Christmas!

 

2. Choose To Restore Your Relationship

Is there something wrong with your relationship? If so then you have three options: You can ignore it, fume and fuss over it, or restore it. The choice is yours.

 

Give your spouse the gift of a restored relationship this year. Stop making excuses. Just do it.

 

3. Stop Blaming Your Spouse For Your Problems

Look, marriage takes two people. Your spouse causes some of the problems and YOU cause some of the problems. So stop blaming your husband or wife for your marriage's problems because you both are responsible for the challenges facing you.

 

Give your spouse the gift of no longer blaming them for everything that is wrong with your relationship.

 

Grow up.  Take responsibility. And break free from the blame game.

 

4. Share Your Vision With Your Spouse!

Give your spouse the gift of letting them know what you want from them, life and your marriage.

 

Spend some time alone in the coming days to figure this out. Then share it with them.

 

Share any problems or challenges you see, and any dreams, goals or desires you have.

 

5. Give The Gift Of Time

One of the very best gifts we can give to our wife or husband is the gift of time. Time is something that when it's gone it's gone forever.

 

So give your spouse the gift of time - give them your FULL attention; distraction-free time.

 

 

6. Practice The Golden Rule

How would you like to be treated? Start treating your spouse this way.

 

Be loving, appreciative, kind, caring, warm, playful, fun, energetic. You get the idea.

 

Scripture says that we reap what we sow. So start treating your spouse how you want to be treated.  Give your spouse the gift of a "new" kind of love this Christmas.

 

 

7. A Problem-Free Break

Give your spouse the gift of a mini-vacation in 2025. Make it a problem-free break where you decide not to dredge up the past or talk about old wounds.

 

The purpose of this mini-vacation is to enjoy each others' company without any of the hurts, hang-ups, or fights. Just get to know each other again.

 

There you have it. Seven awesome gifts to give to your spouse this Christmas.

 

Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!

 

 

 

December 14, 2024

Getting Along with the In-Laws...Ladies, this one's for you

Now ladies.  This one’s for you.   Remember last week?   If your husband gets along well with their in-laws it improves your marriage.  Women need to get along with their in-laws too, but the dynamic is different. Dealing with in-laws can be trickier for women than for men. Research even shows that if a woman gets too close to her husband’s parents, it can increase the risk of divorce by 20%!    Why?    Because it gives the in-laws, especially the mother-in-law, more chances to meddle in the marriage. Additionally, some women might want to cozy up to the in-laws for the wrong reasons, For instance, if a woman wants to change her husband’s mind on a certain issue, getting his parents on her side might help. This can make the husband feel like everyone’s ganging up on him.   Setting Boundaries To make life easier, set clear boundaries. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they need to be involved in everything. Talk with your husband and decide what’s off-limits, like finances, holidays, or parenting choices. Make sure to communicate these boundaries directly to your in-laws; hints won’t cut it.   Dos and Don’ts for Daughters-in-Law Don’t take everything that your in-laws say personally. They probably just want to feel included in your lives. If your mother-in-law makes a suggestion or recommendation, just tell her you will consider it. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to ask for her input every once in a while. You don’t have to do what she says, simply listen to her advice and ideas.  Regular updates on your life can help them feel connected, and don’t forget their birthdays!   And whatever you do, never badmouth your in-laws. Gossip can really damage relationships. Most in-laws just want to feel part of your life.    Working as a couple to set clear boundaries will help keep things smooth and your marriage happy!

 

 

 

 

December 7th 2024

Getting Along with the  In-Laws.....For all the men out there

It’s getting close to the holidays, and many of you will be spending time with your in-laws.  So, I have some tips for you.  Today’s tip is for the men. (Next week I have some helpful info for the ladies).  Navigating in-law relationships is part of marriage, and getting along with your wife’s parents can really strengthen your bond. In fact, research shows that a positive relationship with them can reduce the risk of divorce by 20%! Women value their family connections, so when you get along with her parents, it helps her feel more connected to you. Interestingly, and fortunately, it is easier for a man to get along with his in-laws than for a woman. Husbands rarely worry about in-laws interfering in their marriages and seldom see such interference as a threat to their happy marriage.   Get to Know Your In-Laws Make an effort to spend time with your in-laws beyond just holidays—those can be stressful times for everyone! Try to learn about their interests and enjoy light conversations to keep things fun.   Keep Things Civil Even if you find them frustrating, it’s important to stay respectful. If issues arise, discuss them with your wife without being harsh. Remember, she’ll likely defend her parents, so be gentle in your approach.   Set Boundaries If your in-laws tend to interfere, it’s okay to establish some boundaries. Let them know when you’d prefer they ask before visiting, especially if kids are involved.   Showing your wife that you care about her family can go a long way. This holiday season look for ways you can build a positive relationship with your in-laws!   Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!

   

November 30th 2024

Paying It Forward... I know you already know this.  But it’s good to be reminded: Giving of ourselves and our resources to others can have a profound impact on our marriage.    Strengthens Your Bond When you and your partner engage in acts of kindness together—whether volunteering, donating, or simply helping friends—you create shared experiences that deepen your connection. These moments can foster teamwork and reinforce your partnership, reminding you both of the values you share.   Builds Empathy Giving helps cultivate empathy, which is essential for a healthy marriage. When you actively seek to understand and support others, you develop a greater sense of compassion. This can translate to your relationship, allowing you to be more understanding and patient with each other during tough times.   Encourages Open Communication Discussing charitable goals and planning how to give can lead to important conversations about your values and priorities. This openness can strengthen your communication skills, helping you both express your needs and concerns more effectively.   Happiness and Gratitude Increase When you and your partner experience joy from helping others, that positivity can spill over into your relationship, making it more vibrant and fulfilling. And, recognizing the struggles of others can be a great reminder of all the things you appreciate about your partner and your life together, reinforcing a positive atmosphere in your home.   Sets a Positive Example If you have children or are part of a larger family, demonstrating the importance of giving can set a great example for the next generation. It teaches values like compassion, teamwork, and responsibility, showing that a successful marriage isn’t just about the two of you but also about how you contribute to the world around you.   Creates a Sense of Purpose Working together toward a common goal, such as supporting a cause or helping those in need, can give your marriage a shared sense of purpose. This feeling can be incredibly fulfilling and can help you both feel more connected to each other and the world.   Supporting other Marriages Consider giving of yourselves and/or your resources to make this world a better place for someone else.  In fact, if you would like to “pay it forward,” we invite you to support other couples through the Mad About Marriage ministry team.  Your generosity enables us to provide live marriage seminars and local community supports for marriages and families nationwide.

November 16, 2024

How to avoid divorce and Save your Marriage 

This is a longer email today.  But I think we would all agree...the topic is worth spending a little extra time on.

 

Most people begin their married life as a happy couple - avoiding divorce or saving marriage is the furthest thing from their minds because of the blissfulness they enjoy.

But as is often the case, conflicts and bitterness creep in, and eventually the couple wakes up in the dreary world of “irreconcilable differences" wondering how it ever came to this.

 

Although divorce might seem like a good option (especially since so many couples are doing it), it's the least effective way to solve marital conflict.

Taking divorce off the table and doing whatever it takes to save your marriage is the best option. This also avoids the social, psychological, financial, and spiritual damage that a divorce will cause.

 

A potential damaging result of divorce is living alone or having a sense of loneliness or isolation. Contrary to what some people might think, it is not easy (or healthy) for a man or woman to be alone.

Marriage and relationships are vital for creating whole-person wellness. (In fact, some societies consider marriage to be prestigious and look down upon single and separated people -- this is wrong, of course, but it is interesting.) Besides, marriage provides personal and social stability and helps to satisfy our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

 

Additionally, we all know that divorce and separation can have serious adverse effects on children. Their tender minds can be seriously affected by the absence of one parent, giving rise to psychological problems.

Prolonged psychological disturbance may affect their ability to lead a normal life later on. Needless to say, your children are one of the main reasons why your marriage is worth saving -- they deserve it. You owe it to them to do whatever it takes to repair your relationship.

But trying to save a marriage isn’t easy, that's for sure.

 

One of the hardest things to do is to acknowledge your role and take responsibility for your share in creating the problems/conflict.

The natural inclination is to blame your spouse for causing the marital strife. But that isn't right.

 

Want to avoid divorce and save your marriage? Then follow these steps:

 

1. To save your marriage, stop casting blame on your spouse. Take responsibility for your mistakes.
2. Focus on yourself and do what you can to become a better person -- work on your issues.
3. Take inventory of any red flags that could be sources of conflict in your relationship such as:

• boredom
• broken trust
• poor communication
• infidelity
• emotional abuse
• addictions
• lack of sex
• lack of respect

 

Do any of those red flags exist in your relationship? Then roll up your sleeves and get to work finding solutions. Find a therapist, a Christian marriage counselor, a seminar, a book, support group, whatever. Just take action.

 

Doing this early on improves the chances of your marriage being saved.

It seems most of the time divorce occurs due to a lack of understanding and compromise -- or because the couple waited too long to work on things.

To avoid divorce and save your marriage, you must be willing to tame your ego and take the initiative to resolve your relationship problems. As it's been said many times before, you can be right or be happy. The choice is yours.

 

To avoid divorce and save your marriage you will need some ground rules. Here they are:

1. demonstrate a willingness to listen, really listen, to your partner
2. make a genuine effort to not only listen but to understand them
3. stay calm and avoid arguing, blaming, rationalizing, or criticizing
4. be polite and show courtesy and respect (don't roll your eyes)
5. ask questions - clarify issues to better understand the source of conflict and to heal it

 

I've already said this but I'll say it again. If you are having a hard time solving problems on your own, then you owe it to your spouse, yourself, and your children, to enlist the services of a qualified Christian marriage counselor (I recommend Christian counselors because usually divorce is considered an option in only the most severe situations.)

 

A counselor will help you to become aware of your mistakes and to work through the conflict in finding lasting solutions.

Counseling also helps couples to improve their communication skills.

Although the advice in this email might appear simple at first blush, don't kid yourself (have you actually tried this stuff?).

A couple who practices these simple steps to avoid divorce greatly increases the odds of saving their marriage. So don't put it off any longer. Better days are just around the corner.

 

 

November 9, 2024

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT

Is it true that you can actually improve your marriage without talking about issues?   The answer is a resounding “Yes!"   In their book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It”, psychologists Steven Stosny and Patricia Love suggest that, while it is eventually important to talk about your marital issues, you can improve your marriage by simply engaging in activities that foster connection.   Begin improving your marriage today with these simple connections:  Make eye contact, enjoy non-sexual touch, use pet names such as sweetie or honey, and give compliments. When you start the day by making a connection in at least one of these ways, you set the stage for more positive interaction later in the day, and can be assured that you are indeed improving your marriage.   Repeating these gestures at key times during the day improves your marriage because this strengthens the quality of connection the two of you feel for each other and share.  That connection can help change the nature of other contacts with your spouse during the day, making each encounter a bit more pleasant. Here's another way to improve your marriage: Make a list of things you truly appreciate about your mate.  These can be character traits your spouse possesses or behaviors they engage in.  Then during the day choose just one of the items from your list and think about that item.   Dwelling on positive character traits and behaviors improves your attitude towards your mate and works to improve your marriage.   Here's another great thing you can do to make a connection and improve your marriage: Hug. Hugs are great ESPECIALLY when they are non-sexual (no groping intimate areas of your mate’s body during this hug).  The purpose is simply to establish a connection that enhances positive feelings toward one another.   Identify behaviors you can engage in that your mate finds pleasing.  It may be something as simple as taking out the trash without being asked to or cooking a favorite meal. As we consistently engage in behavior that our mate finds pleasing, we send non-verbal messages of love.   Simple things make a big difference in the connection you feel toward your spouse.  So make it a priority to connect with your mate before trying to talk about issues.  That connection may make a big difference when it is time to deal with issues as you work to improve your marriage. Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!

 

 

November 2, 2024

FINDING RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ONLINE

Is it possible to find good relationship advice online?

 

The short answer is yes.

 

The long answer is "maybe" because you have to really look for it and be committed to sifting through a LOT of mediocre information to find it (such is life in today’s world).

 

But here are some ways to make the task faster and easier.

 

Start by searching for the words “relationship advice” or “marriage advice” using your favorite search engine. (Here’s a tip, enclose the words in quotes to get targeted results.)

 

Prepare to be bombarded by the millions of sites on relationship advice. But here is the upside to this process. Your eyes will be opened to information that you might not otherwise know existed.

 

For example, if your spouse is an alcoholic, you will likely find information on support groups in your area.

 

But here’s the deal. Before you can trust relationship advice from the Internet, you must first verify that the information is from a reliable source. Look for articles that are written by people who are authorities in the field of marriage and relationship advice. Finding reliable relationship advice online is similar to making an online purchase - you must be a smart consumer to avoid being misled.

 

Be careful with “online marriage counselors” who ask you to spend money on products or services that are “guaranteed” to save your marriage. Do your due diligence by taking a few minutes to research the company or individual making these promises.

 

If the person claims to be a practicing marriage counselor in a certain state, make an effort to verify his or her qualifications and licenses. If you are having marriage problems, then the last thing you need is to make the relationship worse by taking advice from an unqualified counselor.

 

If you can, identify any relationship problems that you are facing and then search online for specific answers to those relationship problems. For example, if you are suffering from domestic, alcohol or drug abuse, the Internet is a great place to find help.

 

In fact, you can find online relationship advice on just about any marriage problem you can think of. Just be careful and use good sense.

 

AND NOW -- for the shameless plug.  The Mad About Marriage Articles are FABULOUS!